Morning

Owen, you were born one year ago this morning, shortly after the sun rose on the longest night of my life. You were born into silence. A year ago, I held you and kissed you and gazed down at your beautiful face for the first time. For the last time. I handed you to your father and we lived a lifetime with you in that tiny hospital room.

This morning, I woke just before dawn to find that your older brother and sister had climbed into my bed in the middle of the night. Your new little brother or sister rolled within in me and I once again watched the sunrise. I closed my eyes and remembered how you felt in my arms. Another day, a new day.

One Year

It was a year ago today. Just one year ago, everything fell apart. It was July 29, 2007, when I heard the words that changed everything. "The baby's heart is not beating. I'm so sorry." So am I. I am still so sorry.


Sitting here this morning, I cannot believe how far I've come in a year, and how far I still need to go.




* Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and support throughout the craziness of the past few weeks. I don't really want to get in to it today, but I am hanging in and being monitored very carefully at this point.

Waving My White Flag

OK, that's it. I surrender. I am officially in over my head here and my ability to cope is failing fast. At my bio.physical profile today, we discovered that, over the past week, I have developed moderate p.olyhydramnios. Basically, the universe seems to feel I do not have enough to worry about and now I have an excess of amniotic fluid. Besides making me uncomfortable and contributing to all these non-productive contractions, p.olyhydramnios is associated with all kinds lovely issues. Cord p.rolapse, postpartum hem.orrhage and stillbirth, being my personal favorites.

I feel like I have been trying to stay strong for so long - to deal with everything that has been thrown at me this pregnancy. This may be the last straw.

I give up. I'm not really capable of much else at this point.

Waiting

Not too worry. I am still here and as far as I know everything is ok. I did end up in the hospital again at the end of last week and they stopped my contractions for what we all agreed would be the last time. Since then I have continued to contract but nothing regular or really worth noting.

Mostly I have been avoiding writing because all I really want to do is whine and moan. And I hate that. What it all boils down to is I am so f&$*ing tired of being scared. The doctors and midwives do their best to try and help, but the reality is they have no idea what this is like.

I have NSTs twice a week and a full bio.physical profile weekly. One would think that would provide some level of comfort. I guess it does, for a few hours anyway. But here's where the trouble lies, the midwife looks a the strip from the NST and sees what she considers appropriate accelerations etc. All I see is that there were far fewer accelerations than last time. We are coming at this from totally different places. My place is dark, lonely and very very scary.

At this point nothing is good enough for me, nothing that is except a screaming baby placed in my arms. And who knows when or if that will happen.

Free At Last

Yesterday was a very good day. I had an NST in the morning, that the baby passed with flying colors. And then I saw my favorite midwife who not only let me off bed rest, but also said I can start weaning off the P.rocardia and see how things go. (While the P.rocardia is way better than t.erbutline in terms of side effects, it still gives me awful headaches.) I am scheduled for a b.iophysical p.rofile with Dr C. tomorrow afternoon and another NST on Friday. As we were chatting, she assured me that they will be keeping a close eye on this little one the next couple of weeks and "If anything looks at all funny to any of us, then we'll just go over to the hospital and have a baby."

Have a baby???!?!? Holy Crap, I might actually get to bring a baby home!



* Of course, as soon as I wrote the above, I thought about deleting it- just in case. Don't want to tempt fate or whatever.

Finding Some Peace

Thank you all for your kind words. You have no idea how comforting it is to read your words and know that, although I often feel very much alone on this journey, you are all there offering constant support. I am feeling much better (mentally) today.

The fetal f.ibronectin test was negative, which gave me a huge sense of relief. As i sit here contracting, I know that no test is definitive, but these results have helped me find a sense of peace. I don't feel so much like my every move means life or death for my baby. That alone is a huge sense of relief. I still carry so much guilt for Owen's death, I just don't know if I am strong enough for anymore.

The Truth of It All

I left my appointment angry. So angry that I was close to tears and I'm not really sure why. All in all, the appointment actually went pretty well. After they raised my dose of P.rocardia on Friday, I really haven't been having very many significant contractions. I think I had maybe 3 total during my NST, and only one really made me take any notice of it. The baby was reactive and I haven't made any further progress. They did a fetal fi.bronectin and we should have the results in a day or so. I am on bedrest at least until then. I guess that's what made me angry. I wanted some resolutions and didn't really get any. I am so tired of existing in this unsure state.

As I started writing this though, I realized I am not really angry. I am terrified. Probably more terrified than I have ever been. I am so afraid that maybe there's a reason this baby wants to come out early. Maybe by preventing it, I am pushing things too far. This feels like a huge gamble. The 'what ifs' are truly haunting me.

The baby is alive today. As so many of us know only too well, there are no guarantees about tomorrow.

I really just want this to be over.

Limbo Land

So I'm still here. I had to up my dosage of P.rocardia on Friday evening as I started contracting regularly again, but things seem good now. I am experiencing some of the unpleasant side effects of the drug and having a difficult time staying focused on what's best here. I'll admit there is a voice in my head that keeps saying, "why not just let things happen while this baby is still alive?" But then again, I think of having a newborn in the NICU and I just don't know if I'm strong enough for that.

I go back tomorrow to see what has happened over the weekend progress-wise. I honestly don't know what I am hoping for anymore.

A Moot Point?

Perhaps all my agonizing over whether or not to induce at 37 weeks will turn out to be for naught. I spent today in L&D contracting every 2-3 minutes. Fun, fun. After several rounds of t.erburtiline (or however its spelled), they have pretty much stopped and I am home now. I am on p.rocardia and will be on bedrest until at least Monday when I am re-evaluated. So now I have something new to worry about I guess.