I awoke that morning with a start. Sweating, my heart racing, like I had just had a bad dream but, there wasn’t one I could recall. I couldn’t shake this unsettled feeling. I went to check on the kids. I’m not sure why. They were both sleeping peacefully. I know I went to sigh thinking “Everything must be ok” when it hit me. There was silence inside me. The baby who had been poking and thumping me nearly continuously for the past 12 weeks was still. I sat on my bed, hands on my belly and gave a little jiggle. I felt a slow wave of movement. All I could think was how sluggish that felt. I thought maybe breakfast would help. I felt nauseous but forced down an English muffin with jelly. I waited and nothing happened.
We got in the car for the ride home from my in-laws where we had been staying for the weekend and JD asked me what was wrong. He said I been acting weird since we got up. I didn’t want to say it aloud.
“I don’t feel the baby moving.”
He grabbed my hand and looked at me carefully. "Maybe it’s sleeping."
“Maybe,” I agreed, wanting him to be right and somehow knowing he wasn’t.
“We’ll call the midwife when we get home.”
I called her and she was more blasé than I wanted her to be. “Drink some coke and lay down. Call in me in an hour if nothing changes."
I drank the soda and lay in my bed listening to the kids play in the next room. JD peered in periodically “Anything yet?”
“No,” I forced out and began to cry. JD wanted me to call the midwife right away.
"It’s only been 30 minutes," I said. "We should give it more time." I prayed ferociously hands on my belly; begging God to change what I knew in my heart was true.
I called the midwife and she was still blasé. “As babies get bigger they move less-"
“No,” I said “this is different. I have two children already. I have been pregnant before. I know something is going on.”
“Well, why don’t we have you go to L&D and checked out just in case.”
I told JD I was going in and the midwife thought everything was probably fine. He hugged me. I went to say goodbye to the kids. I didn’t want to go. I knew once I walked out the door nothing would ever be the same. I know it sounds so melodramatic but that’s how I felt. I hugged J & K so tightly. I was so afraid for what I knew might happen while I was gone. I threw my cell phone and charger in my purse and walked out the door. I saw the kids waving from the window and couldn’t stop crying as I waved back.