Waiting

Not too worry. I am still here and as far as I know everything is ok. I did end up in the hospital again at the end of last week and they stopped my contractions for what we all agreed would be the last time. Since then I have continued to contract but nothing regular or really worth noting.

Mostly I have been avoiding writing because all I really want to do is whine and moan. And I hate that. What it all boils down to is I am so f&$*ing tired of being scared. The doctors and midwives do their best to try and help, but the reality is they have no idea what this is like.

I have NSTs twice a week and a full bio.physical profile weekly. One would think that would provide some level of comfort. I guess it does, for a few hours anyway. But here's where the trouble lies, the midwife looks a the strip from the NST and sees what she considers appropriate accelerations etc. All I see is that there were far fewer accelerations than last time. We are coming at this from totally different places. My place is dark, lonely and very very scary.

At this point nothing is good enough for me, nothing that is except a screaming baby placed in my arms. And who knows when or if that will happen.