Learning

I'm still learning how to be Owen's mother. I'm sorry to say it has not come naturally to me.

I struggle to find a way to make him part of our lives in a current way. To somehow confirm to myself that he was here and that his life and death mattered.

That he was more than just loss.


Thank you to Carly of To Write Their Names in the Sand for this beautiful image. As she knows only too well, sometimes words aren't adequate.

Celebration

Owen, today I am going to try to celebrate you.

To remember only how it felt to hold you in my arms. To remember the love and joy, yes joy, I felt when I gazed at your face for the first time. The sadness and sorrow came before and after, in those moments there was only a love so all encompassing that I knew I was in the presence of something larger than myself.

Owen, I had been so afraid of what would happen in those moments- would I be able to look at you, hold you, love you? But when I saw you, it was like looking at the face G-d. You were so beautiful. You were perfect in my eyes. You were an angel on earth. I am thankful that for a short while you were mine to hold.

Happy Birthday little man.

Frozen

Two years ago today I woke up and knew he was gone. I tried to pretend for as long as I could, but I knew. I still feel physically sick when I allow myself to remember how in instant I knew I was suddenly alone. That knowing was the worst part and in some ways I have been alone ever since. Although Owen was born tomorrow, today is the day I lost him. This is the second anniversary of the worst day of my life.

All those terrible moments, just frozen in my mind. I wonder will this day always be like this?

Waiting

We went to the cemetery this weekend again. I like that J & K get more and more comfortable there. Is that wrong? We planted some new flowers for him and cleaned his stone. Its morbid but I can't help but wonder what if anything is left of him.


It will be two years on July 30. God, two years, how did that happen? I remember him and I wonder how I kept going, how I keep going; how life kept on, keeps on moving. At the same time, I know there is a part of me that is frozen there. A part of me that will continue to relive July 29 & 30 2007 for the rest of my life. As if somehow, sometime I will remember those days with a different ending. One where I get to keep my baby boy.

Breath

It still takes my breath away when I think about what happened, what I lost. The memories are different now, fuzzier around the edges. I think about it sometimes almost like watching a movie. I remember each detail but in a softer way.

All too often I find myself remembering and feeling sorry for that poor poor woman and then it hits me again like a brick wall.

That poor woman was me, is me.

I gave birth on that day to a beautiful little boy with dark hair and big feet. He was perfect and he was dead.

I loved him.

I love him.

It takes my breath away.

Quick Update

* Warning there is a picture at the end of this post*


The last couple of months have been busy. The mundane sort of busy that I am grateful for now. We've had a few ups and downs with Eden (she had RSV in December and was pretty ill for awhile and was diagnosed with a milk protein allergy that has affected her weight gain), but (knock on wood) nothing super serious. She continues to be a delight. J & K are wonderful and growing up more and more each day. I cannot believe that K will be 4 in a few shorts weeks and J 6 not long after. JD was promoted at work recently which given the current state of the economy was somewhat unexpected and give us some pretty exciting options for the future. This summer will be 2 years since Owen died. Two years, its forever and then again its just the blink of an eye.

I have realized that as much as I don't necessary fit into the blogosphere the way I used to, I miss it here. I have a lot I need to write about and I hope to start posting again more regularly. I haven't yet decided whether I will write here or create a new space. I guess I'll see what feels right. Right now this blog feels like Owen's space and maybe I need to find a space that's more suited to where I am right now.

So that's my quick update. That, and of course this:

Still Around

Despite all evidence to the contrary, I'm still around. I have more that I probably need to say but I'm not sure this is the right place for me to say it. I'm still trying to figure out where I belong. But mostly, I'm just busy being happy. It still sometimes feels like a betrayal to admit it, but I am just really happy with my life right now, deadbaby and all. Who knew?