Monday, July 7, 2008

The Truth of It All

I left my appointment angry. So angry that I was close to tears and I'm not really sure why. All in all, the appointment actually went pretty well. After they raised my dose of P.rocardia on Friday, I really haven't been having very many significant contractions. I think I had maybe 3 total during my NST, and only one really made me take any notice of it. The baby was reactive and I haven't made any further progress. They did a fetal fi.bronectin and we should have the results in a day or so. I am on bedrest at least until then. I guess that's what made me angry. I wanted some resolutions and didn't really get any. I am so tired of existing in this unsure state.

As I started writing this though, I realized I am not really angry. I am terrified. Probably more terrified than I have ever been. I am so afraid that maybe there's a reason this baby wants to come out early. Maybe by preventing it, I am pushing things too far. This feels like a huge gamble. The 'what ifs' are truly haunting me.

The baby is alive today. As so many of us know only too well, there are no guarantees about tomorrow.

I really just want this to be over.


k@lakly said...

I can't even imagine it and yet I know I would feel the exact same way. My only assvice would be to tell your Doctor, not your midwife, how you feel. After what you have been through with Owen, there is no way any decent human wouldn't take your concerns seriously. If nothing else maybe they can offer stress tests every other day and then induce you right at 37 weeks. I know the med community is happy when multiples make it to 34 weeks and they routinely deliver them then. Can't they test the baby for lung development now and if things look ok, maybe your doc will let you deliver anyway. At this point you may not even need the NICU. My sis in law delivered at 34/35 weeks and both baby and mom were fine, no extra med intervention needed.
I'm so sorry, this has to be hell.
Thinking of you and wishing for a safe, uneventful arrival of a beautiful healthy baby.

c. said...

I'm thinking of you, Ashleigh. I know this cannot be easy. The uncertainty. The fear. I wish this could be easier for you. I wish the answers were easier to find. Unfortunately, I've got nothing as far as answers go, just my whole heart wishing for the safe arrival of your little babe. XO.

CLC said...

I am sorry it's so stressful. I would feel the same way. There are too many what-ifs to think about and there's no guarantee for tomorrow. I hope your doctors consider what Kalakly says. They need to consider your mental state. Hoping for uneventful!

G said...

Oh hun, I can't even begin to imagine the fear. K@l, as always has excellent assvice, so I just say ditto to that. I hope you can get some reassurances.

You are in my thoughts. You and the baby.

janis said...

I'm so sorry for your stress. The closer one gets to the finish line, the more apparent what the prize costs- if one loses. It is heart-wrenching; it is no wonder how you feel what you feel. Keeping fingers crossed for you.

Monica said...

I hear ya. I agree, talk to your OB. I talked my OB into giving me a level 3 ultrasound on the Friday before the Monday I was induced, "just for peace of mind."

Just Me. said...

Here from Lost and Found.

I am sorry for all the anxiety that you're going through.


emmay said...

I'm a lurker here, but I'm coming out of hiding to tell you that, having been a NICU mom twice, the first time on the heels of a very medically difficult and unusual miscarriage (which I don't even begin to compare to your loss of Owen), you would find the strength if you are in that position. It just happens. My daughters were born at 28 weeks and 30 weeks respectively. When my older and earlier was born, I did not know if I would be able to handle it. I was terrified she wouldn't make it and swore up and down that if she didn't, I was done and would remain childless. But when your baby is in the hospital, you just somehow pick yourself up and do it. You don;t question it. My girls came home at 35 weeks and 34 weeks respectively. So were you to deliver now, it would more than likely be a short stay in the NICU, or possibly none at all. Have they given you betamethasone for his lungs? it makes a big difference.
I wish someone could fast-forward time for you.

Ange said...

I hope that you are getting some more information from your doc. And yes K@lakly has wonderful advice to i agree to go down that route. Am thinking of you and little bubby often. Looking forward to hearing the wonderous news of your little ones arrival - all healthy and happy.

Ann said...

I sincerely hope that this is the end of the bad stuff, and that you can hang on until you get to term.