I left my appointment angry. So angry that I was close to tears and I'm not really sure why. All in all, the appointment actually went pretty well. After they raised my dose of P.rocardia on Friday, I really haven't been having very many significant contractions. I think I had maybe 3 total during my NST, and only one really made me take any notice of it. The baby was reactive and I haven't made any further progress. They did a fetal fi.bronectin and we should have the results in a day or so. I am on bedrest at least until then. I guess that's what made me angry. I wanted some resolutions and didn't really get any. I am so tired of existing in this unsure state.
As I started writing this though, I realized I am not really angry. I am terrified. Probably more terrified than I have ever been. I am so afraid that maybe there's a reason this baby wants to come out early. Maybe by preventing it, I am pushing things too far. This feels like a huge gamble. The 'what ifs' are truly haunting me.
The baby is alive today. As so many of us know only too well, there are no guarantees about tomorrow.
I really just want this to be over.