Tuesday, July 30, 2013

On your Sixth Birthday, you sent me a gift


I had the most beautiful experience today while visiting your grave. I drove up there this morning after dropping your brother & sisters at camp. I stopped along the way and picked up the flowers I had ordered for you and your Grandma. It is beautiful day, warm and sunny but dry, and the sky is a clear blue that seems to go on forever. In the car, I was surrounded by that blue and the smell of the flowers, and I kept feeling like I should feel some awe or joy in the beauty of the day. I should have been celebrating you, but my heart was heavy this morning. I was sad and tired and my chest actually hurt. I was feeling like I just wanted to get this visit over with, to get this whole day over with. I arrived at the cemetery and parked in front of your stone. I trimmed the grass around, pulled some stray weeds and cleaned the marker, all the while feeling numb and heartsick. I got to my feet, took the flowers from the trunk and placed them at your head. I stepped back and looked down at your stone and the flowers and my chest felt tighter and heavier. I just felt like I couldn't breathe, like I couldn't do this for one more minute.

And that's when it happened. A single yellow butterfly landed briefly on your flowers. It was large, probably almost the size of my palm with its wings spread wide. In that split second, where I thought, "I should take a picture", it flew over and landed on my chest. I looked down at it sitting there on me and felt peace. I took a deep breath and it fluttered off up into the sky. I was left with that sense of peace. I do not know if the butterfly carried your spirit, or was sent by you, or Mom, or G-d, or none of those things. I know only that I went there feeling so very dark and alone, and there, by your graveside, into that darkness came a light.

Happy Birthday

Monday, July 15, 2013


It is once again July.  It sneaks up on me now. I lose track of the days and then find myself short-tempered, emotional, angry and just plain tired.  As always, it takes me longer that it should to piece together why. I should be used to this by now. I should know that just as the days get hotter and we start to relax into summer, I will stumble back into this place. A place where you are so close to me and yet so very far away. I will come back here to sit with you on my mind and in my heart, but never in my arms.

In 15 days, it will have been 6 years since I held you in my arms. Today every one of them feels like a lifetime.