Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Grief is Funny

I was thinking about something that happened while I was in the hospital after having Owen. After we had said goodbye to Owen for the last time and were getting ready for me to be discharged, I asked the nurse if I could take a shower before we left. I needed that shower for so many reasons. She agreed, but only if I left the door ajar and she stayed in the room while I was in the bathroom. She warned me not to make it too hot and not to let the water run on my chest. She didn't want me to stimulate milk production, I guess. At that point, I so didn't care. I needed that water. So, I got my stuff together. I turned the water on (hot) and stepped in. I stood there, facing the spray, letting the water run over me for several minutes. Then I looked down and realized that I had gotten in the shower with all my clothes on (hospital gowns, bra, socks, etc.) I hadn't even noticed. At the time, I was so humiliated, I cried. Now JD and I can laugh about it, but I always think about it when people talk about grief. It made me blind.

Owen has been gone for six months. That's all I can say about that right now.

* Sorry for disappearing for a little while. J, my 4 year old, has had scar.let f.ever. It was all very 19th century literary novel-ish.


charmedgirl said...

is J better now? how scary.

it is all funny, in a totally NOT funny way. and it's so lonely in that no one would ever find it funny-yet-not-funny.

getting in the shower like that...exactly. it's almost like our lives now, not being able to shed either our "normal" roles OR our grief...being forced to do both at the same time. HOW CAN THAT EVER BE COMFORTABLE? i don't know. and i think, in a way, at least for me, the more time that passes, the less comfortable it is.

c. said...

Oh, Ashleigh. That is actually quite heartbreaking. I can see it being funny now, in a not-so-funny way. It's just so sad.

As for the anniversary, what can I say that I haven't said already? I'm so very's hard to imagine any time has passed at all sometimes. But it has, hasn't it?

I hope J. is feeling better. How stressful for you.

Clarissa said...

Angel anniversary's are hard...especially in Owen's circumstance when it also is the same day as his birth. Wishing Owen's a very peaceful 6-months in heaven.

And wishing you strength.

missing_one said...

I like the symbolism of the shower.

I hope your little one is doing better! How scary!!!

Coggy said...

I hope J is feeling better too.
It is odd the blind grief thing. Just being so consumed by something that you are oblivious to so many things, even those as simple as taking off your clothes. I lost the ability to do so much in the first few weeks. Such simple things were completely beyond me.

I can't believe it's 6 months for you already ashleigh where has the time gone and how come I don't really feel much different? I have just learnt to display my feelings less.

Carole said...

Hope J is feelng better and on the mend.

Grief has made me blind to certain things. I don't remember any of Z's first half of first grade. I think I was totally in survival mode.

a- said...

Hoping by now J is doing much better. Missed being here and I do quite agree with you. Grief is funny.