Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Sick And Tired

Sorry I've been so lax in blogging and commenting on your blogs lately. I read along and want to comment, but the fact of the matter is I feel like total cr@p and its hard to get anything done. I don't want to complain too much because I am fully aware of just how many of you out there would give anything to be where I am. Its just that morning sickness is way harder to deal with when you've lost faith that it will all be worth it in the end. I remember my other pregnancies as easier, although if I'm totally honest, I've been pretty lucky this time. When I was pregnant with Owen, I had already been to the hospital at least once for re-hydration by this point, but somehow I dealt with it better. I was able to keep "my eyes on the prize" so to speak. Of course, now that "prize" lies about six feet under in the sweetest little white coffin you've ever seen. This time when I'm sick as a dog and I close my eyes, its that coffin that I see and I just want to disappear for a while.


Coggy said...

You definitely don't need to apologise for anything. I hated morning sickness, it just sapped the life out of me. I looked like a walking, talking ghost. That's one of the things I am not looking forward to. I hadn't even stopped to think about the feelings associated with losing the faith.
I wish I could say something to take all those cruel thoughts away. I wish I had a big crystal ball that I could look into and say Ashleigh it will be fine.
All I can say is that I am thinking about you a lot and I will be hoping the morning sickness passes soon.

Anonymous said...

You know, it doesnt matter how you got pg or many kids you have, your aloud to feel like shit and say so!


missing_one said...

I'm so glad you posted. I was wondering how you were doing.
I remember where I was in my grief a few short months ago and cannot imagine how hard it must be to have to have hope for a new baby, while grieving for the one you lost so soon.

hang in there. update us when you can.

and if it helps, I am hopeful that you will get to keep the "prize" this time

c. said...

I agree with Coggy, no need to apologize. Morning sickness sucks anyway you look at it. Strangely, C@llum was the easiest on me in that regard, but I still had it awful. I can only imagine what morning sickness must feel like after. I used to say, I just have to make it 12 weeks (my nausea magically ended at that point in my pregnancies each time)and then it will all be worth it. My "worth it" died. Where's the hope in that, right?

I'm thinking of you, Ashleigh. Hoping you get some reprieve from the morning sickness and these persistent and unwanted feelings of doubt. XO.

Monica said...

I get it. I had it bad with Jimmy and when I got pregnant with Andy the morning sickness triggered depressive episodes because it was a powerful reminder of my first pregnancy.

You can do this. Why some of us have to go through this I'll never know. And no, I don't think we were "picked" because we were stronger, or we had a, "lesson to learn". It just happened to us. But you can get through this.

kalakly said...

I can't imagine how scary and crappy it must feel for you right now. Fear is such a bastard. I hope the moning sickness leaves you soon and that in August your bitching to us about how tired you are cuz your "prize" won't go to sleep:)
Stay strong and hopeful, we're all here hoping with you.

Anonymous said...

Take all the time you need. We'll be here when you get back!

I hope you feel better soon.

Rosalind said...

It must be tough honey ..You hang in there and know we are all here when you need us

Clarissa said...

feel better, ashleigh.

thinking of you and owen.

charmedgirl said...

sometimes the stress of feeling like you have to comment is just too much. read when you want to, and i bet if you really feel like saying something, you will...and aren't those the best comments anyway?

and if anyone sees that you commented on one and not another, we won't care, k?

and pregnancy sucks. everyone knows that. say it all you want. better or worse, there's no way out of this mob, two lines or not. i would expect a prenancy *afterwards* to be a headful. with kids after infertility, i know how hard it is to feel so confused and screwed when you get pregnant...something you want so long, so hard...just sucks. what the f*ck?? what about appreciation? whatever. it's just not what happens.