Wednesday, January 23, 2008


I've been composing this list for awhile now, here and there as things hit me. It's a list of things Owen will never do. Some of them make me cry, some of them make me laugh. All of them make me wish he was here.

Owen will never...
smile one of those big gummy grins
wraps his fingers around my pinky in his sleep
pat my face as he nurses
blow out his diaper and his entire outfit just as I am finally ready to walk out the door
call me mama for the first time
wake me every hour all night long
make me rush him to the ER in the middle of the night
taste ice cream for the first time
run with that drunken toddler run I love so much
draw me a picture I can't identify
vomit in my hair
look like such a big kid on his first day of school
cry in my arms when his feelings get hurt
bring me breakfast in bed on mother's day
skin his knee
run naked through the sprinkler with his brother and sister
tell me I'm not his friend anymore
fall asleep in my arms
make a new friend
hit the game winning home run while I cheer in the stands
fail a test
get all A's
kiss a girl (or a boy)
get a pimple at the exact wrong time
keep me up all night wondering where he is and what he's doing
borrow the car without asking
borrow the car after asking but leave me with an empty gas tank
get his first paycheck and spend it on something stupid
go on his first date
go away to college
fall in love
get married
make me a grandmother
tell me he loves me

The list goes on and on. There are so many moments we missed out on.
Everyday there's something new to mourn.


c. said...

Yup. We've missed out on everything, haven't we? So many moments we can only dream of and never experience: it's tortuous and heartbreaking and completely senseless, in my mind.

Thinking of you, Ashleigh. Wishing Owen could be here to fill and break your mommy heart (of course, we know that his leaving already has). XO.

Coggy said...

That's such a sad list. I haven't done this list, I've tried not to. Your list upsets me enough as it is. The worse thing for me is I don't know half of the things I'm missing. I have no idea what it's like to have a baby. No idea.
I can't tell you how sad that makes me...

charmedgirl said...

i can never, ever write a list like that, but i do live it everyday while watching my kids who lived.

and i'm super-proud to know a mom who would include 'kiss a girl (or a boy)'.

G said...

This list reminds me that I replied on a message board thread a while back to a mother who said it was worse for mothers who had living kids because they realized all the "firsts" they would miss. (When I say replied, I mean flamed as comparing grief is just plain stupid)

Reading this, it further reminds me that I know darn well the firsts (not having any living childred yet) I will miss and it's far too incredibly sad for me to list them.

Big hugs to you Ash, I am sure it's bittersweet.

CLC said...

Sigh. That's so sad. I had thought of some of those things, like the major life events, but not having any other children makes me realize I won't/can't know all that I am missing...

Rosalind said...

This was a hard list to's very sad what we will never get to experience and worse what our babies will miss out on in life...Very sad

Thinking of you Ash

kalakly said...

It's awful to cut a lifetime into tiny pieces isn't it? All they got was a lifetime of never's...I hate that.


Clarissa said...

your list just brings smiles to my face and tears to my eyes.

all we've miss. our darling children. sighhhhh.

missing_one said...'s just so unbelievably unfair!

lifecanbeashit said...

Thats such a sad list!

Huge hugs

Carole said...

It's unfair that we have to miss any of these things. Thinking of you today.

adrienne said...

How sad, I'm so sorry for your loss.