Friday, January 4, 2008

Giving Up?

I went to see the hematologist this morning for my follow-up appointment. She had all my results from the various tests and basically everything was normal. They could find no reason for the abnormal bleeding found in Owen's autopsy. Based on my history and JD's history, we were pretty sure this would be the case. It was still hard to hear the doctor say "I see no reason to pursue this any further." It feels like giving up.

I guess this is the end of the road. I will never have an answer for why Owen was taken from me. That is very hard for me to accept. In my previous life (before children), I was a scientist, a research scientist. I actually spent a few years in a lab sequencing DNA looking for genetic mutations causing certain neurological disorders. In light of this, it feels especially ironic that science should let me down so completely.

So, Owen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm walking away from this without an answer. I wish I could do more for you.


Coggy said...

I feel the same way. Sometimes I think it is because of the fact that (like you) I am a research scientist that the 'no answers' card was dealt.
I hate not having an answer. I know there was one, it's just we don't and won't ever know what it was. I feel like I've let Jacob down in my acceptance of that.

Clarissa said...

Despite knowing what A died of – there is still no answer why she had a congenital heart defect. As much as I hate statistics, she was a result of one…the opposite end of it…the one that people think “well that won’t happen cause its only a 1:100 chance.”

Unfortunately, Owen was part of his own statistic. Like were those children of the woman you’ve met since his death.

I hate statistics, but I especially hate not knowing why it happened.

a- said...

So so sorry.

yummysushipajamas said...

I am so sorry that you couldn't be given some answers, but this is NOT walking away from Owen and all he means to you. He will never leave you.

c. said...

Not knowing why Cal.lum died and why he can't be here with us now is distressing. The fact that I can't do one damn thing to change it, to give my baby and myself a logical, reasonable, medical reason for this, so many other things in this whole process.

I wonder, too, if Clarissa is right. If we knew what caused our babies deaths, whether we'd be asking why they became the statistic. We'll never know, I guess.

I'm so sorry you weren't able to get any answers, Ashleigh. XO.

kalakly said...

We did all the tests too, nothing wrong, with us. We did have Caleb autopsied which desptie constantly stating "normal" next to everything, his tiny heart, kidneys, brain, I mean they looked at everything and kept saying "normal"(this makes me crazy b/c it's not NORMAL for a 23 week old baby to just die) But finally the blood doctor showed me on the autopsy where the pathologist wrote "striations of/on umbilical cord likely cause of fetal demise". He said, that's it, probably. The cord didn't develop correctly or malfunctioned. But you know what, didn't make me feel one damn bit better, Caleb is still gone and I have know idea why it happened or if that can happen again, neither do they. Answers often only bring more questions. And for me, at least, the little "probably" answer didn't help much either cuz, afterall, he's still dead and that won't change, no matter what I do.

I think everything you've done here and at home IRL brings Owen foward with you everyday. You are not leaving him behind.

Anonymous said...

I think you all have a strength more beautiful than words.

Your children never leave you as they are part of your soul.


Carole said...

I'm sorry they didn't have answers. I remember feeling let down after our genetics meeting. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to know something...a why in all of this.

lifecanbeashit said...

Im sorry you still have no answers. My son also had massive bleeding on the brain. All the autopsy told us was that it happened just before or around the time he was delivered. They are not able to tell us why. Only saying that it was the kind of bleeding they expect to see on a bub born around 20-24 weeks gestation. (Zak was born 32 weeks but measured 36 weeks)
I have no blood problems. I can only say that I hope you can think of it like me, that if there was no reason for it, it shouldnt happen again.


Christine (Lucy's Mom) said...

i am sorry you have no answers.

i wonder somedays if there is some answer monster that is hold all our answers,, keeping them until the world is "ready" or OBs are ready.

there is nothing normal about mothers having dead babies without cause. it maybe have been happening since the dawn of time but it is not normal it is outrageous to think that we should accept "their is no known cause" as an answer. yet we are in fact expected accept this as the norm.

so fine mean answer monster that is keeping my answers from me. i accept there are no answers. and your ugly and mean and i wish you would give us all our answers, what good are they doing you.

Nathaniel Monkerhey said...

Hope you find the strength and courage to live an enjoyable life. I feel deeply for you.