Thursday, November 29, 2007


Although I've never considered myself an overly religious person, I've always had a deep sense of faith. I prayed regularly. Even through everything that went on my mom's illness and a subsequent death, I kept praying and my faith was unshaken. All of that changed when Owen died. I suddenly found that I couldn't pray and, I'll be honest, that scared me. Yesterday I was going through some old papers and I found a notebook I had kept while taking a course on Judaism before JD and I married. In it I had written down a quote from the rabbi. He said "Don't pray for G-d to change things in your life. Prayer doesn't change things, prayer changes people and people change things." It doesn't make everything better but, it was what I needed to hear. I don't know what I believe anymore but I know I believe something.


Carole said...

I think that is so profound...and so true. Through this all we have to grab onto the things that make sense for us.

C. said...

Although I was raised Catholic, I have been questionning God and the existence of heaven for quite some time now, well before I lost Callum. I wish I had something that I believed in. I wish I knew for sure there was a heaven and that I would be reunited with my baby there one day. I think faith and a belief in something - anything - would help me.
I am happy to hear that you have been helped by faith, even a little. It gives me some hope.

whatthef*ck said...

dont have much to say about prayer. just wanted to say that i've been reading and sobbing and being so struck by your words. "then i went home and threw out my shoes." woah. that will stick with me forever i think. i liked that you were lighting a candle for owen and for my lost child. i felt like you could see me siting here still reading about dead babies and crying even though mine died almost two years ago. feels like less especially when reading other peoples' stories. i loved your bite me post and the thankful post. i can relate. our paths were a little similar. my son and daughter were about the same ages as yours when we lost LC. she died at nearly 23 weeks. we had a baby girl that lived six months ago today. i survived. but there were times when i wasnt completely sure i wanted to. i'll be here, marking days off the calendar for you and the others.

Coggy said...

I believe in something but I don't know what it is. Not G*d per se but something.
I wish sometimes I had stronger beliefs, to comfort me, to give me hope that he is safe.
I'm glad you found those words, sometimes these things come out of the blue and I think that they're meant to find you.
C x x

Clarissa said...

Since we’ve moved to the new neighborhood – I thought I’d try to register myself at the local parish. I spoke to a deacon there, who also shared a loss of a child. We spoke about our daughters and how unearthly it is to lose a child. The deacon finished by saying – “I’m not sure how people with no faith in god cope with a death of a child?” The comment stuck with me. But I don’t necessarily agree. You do manage. God was not there the day our daughter died…it was just us. And we’ve been managing as best as we can – even if our belief in god has diminished.