Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The Cheese Stands Alone
I find myself feeling separate from what is going on around me a lot of the time now. I can be surrounded by people, even engaged in animated conversation, yet I feel like I am completely alone. I went out last night with a bunch of friends and all I could think most of the night was how different I felt than everybody else. It's a little better when JD is with me but when I'm by myself in a group, its a struggle. I feel like what happened should be obvious when you look at me. I feel like I should have a neon blinking sign over my head that reads "My baby is dead." I don't know how to make this part of me and not all of me.
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6 comments:
I'm not sure how this becomes part of you not all of you either. Time I guess. The first few times I went out after everything happened I remember feeling really naked, like everyone could look right at me and know what had happened. Like you say somehow it feels like there should be a big flashing neon sign. Sometimes I wish there was so I didn't have to pretend that I have the day off work to some guy who comes to service the boiler, or to some shop assistant asking me why I'm not at work today.
I find myself drifting off in the company of friends, I don't feel like I belong either. I just feel out of synch with everyone and everything. It all sucks at the moment.
also apologies for the fact that my comments appear to keep being left in duplicate and triplicate!
:o)
I think you just have to keep jumping into things and trying to get through them. I felt so terribly conspicuous when I first started going anywhere in public, even with friends who we have known for years.
I just keep sticking myself out there and trying to get through, and every time it seems like there is a little less discomfort than the time before. I think the answer is just to try.
oh my god...i know. i used to be SO social, yet i am having a bit of social anxiety now. i just have NO energy for small talk and BS conversation; and deep conversation is kinda hard to come by...even though if i had one all i would be thinking is *dead baby*. we are freaks.
I ALWAYS wish I had a neon sign that reads My baby died. It would just make the constant sad in my eyes so much easier to understand for the world,and might stop the relentless coincidental crap I deal with daily, like the guy in line at the market this morning who spoke of his son's birth to a friend next to him the whole 10 minutes I was stuck in line behind him. sigh!
I have often felt like I should get a shirt that says in bol "My Baby Died" and then maybe people would understand why I have this look of complete misery on my face. I totally understand.
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