Thursday, November 15, 2007

A Milestone?

Over the past few months, whenever I would think about the days when Owen died and then was born, I would have a physical reaction to it. My heart would start racing, I feel would sick to my stomach, sweating, etc. It would continue until I would feel like I was going to die and I would force myself to think of something else, anything else. I suppose I was having panic attacks, although I don't know for sure. It kept me from dealing with what happened to some degree and made it really hard to share with other people. It's part of the reason that I started this blog 8 weeks after he died. It took me that long to get through writing out his story. I would write a few sentences and then have to stop for awhile until I was sure I was going to survive and then I could start again. I guess I thought it would always be like that. However, things seemed to have changed now. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but I realized yesterday that I was thinking about those days and not feeling that physical reaction. I went and got out the box of his things and went through it. I looked at all the pictures we have of him and cried. I felt sad but not sick. As I sat there and stared at my beautiful little man, I never once had to look away for fear of losing myself completely. I guess this is progress. I guess the intensity of it is fading some. As strange as it is, that makes me a little sad too. I feel like I'm leaving him behind, again.


heather said...

That is definitely progress, but it is most certainly not forgetting or leaving him behind.

I think our angels would want us to be happy. I also think that moving forward is a good thing because we can move into a place where we can celebrate what little we had of our babies.

Sadness is okay, even good sometimes, but despair should be a passing thing. In my opinion, it is a good thing to have moved beyond sickening sadness to a place with at least a little bit more peace.

Coggy said...

I'm glad you could look at your little man and just be with him, even though it's so sad. Its a good thing.

I know what you mean about feeling like you're moving away from him. I found the initial despair was just so overwhelming that when I began to move away from it I ended up missing the emotion of it. Initially when I didn't find thinking about him or looking at his pictures completely overwhelming it felt like I was letting him go. It does pass though.

I agree with heather that it's good to try and find some peace, its still a very sad peace for me, but it's improving. Sometimes I look at his pictures and smile. I'm hoping that starts happening more often.

Carole said...

It is progress. I agree with what Heather said. For me...the sadness that I feel now is manageable...where in the beginning it wasn't. Not sure if that makes any sense or not.

C. said...

I agree with you completely about progress and feeling like you're leaving your little man behind again. Our connection to our children IS the grief. It's hard to let go of it or to have the intensity of our losses lessen, eventhough in the end, it is good for us and those around us; that does not seem to be true for the memories of our babies...or at least we think so.

I'm sorry, Ashleigh. You are making progress. It is a good thing. I'm sorry this is your reality and the reality of so many of us. I'm sorry.

charmedgirl said...

we have nothing and that sucks. we are left concocting reasons for their tiny lives. WE are left behind.