Thursday, November 8, 2007

Nervous Nellie

One of the many things that has changed about me since Owen died is my ability to cope with stress. I used to be a relatively laid-back person and I liked that about myself. I had a general belief that although life has it ups and downs everything would come out all right in the end. I'm finding that I no longer feel that way. I have this constant anxiety, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. I've become somewhat neurotic and superstitious and I don't like it at all. J is on a field trip with his preschool this afternoon, just a walk to a local market- maybe a block or so from the school, and I am terrified that something bad is going to happen to him. I think he's going to get hit by a car. I'm sitting here planning out what I will do when they call me and tell me; what things I'll need to pack to bring to the hospital, who I'll have to call, etc. There is a part of me that realizes how completely ridiculous this is but, then there's that little voice whispering "but what if?" Losing Owen taught me that we're never really safe and its a lesson I'd rather not have learned. I don't want to be afraid forever.

7 comments:

heather said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know just what you are going through.

I think the fear might get better over time. I know for me it is manifesting more as anger... I have no patience for certain people in my life now, and I get so frustrated with things.

I think we are forever changed by the loss of our children, but I also believe that over time it becomes part of us in a different way, less disruptive and more peaceful.

Coggy said...

I'm so sorry you lost your son Owen, I came across your blog from charmedlife.
I have had a lot of anxiety since losing my son. I don't fear things happening to people I just have a constant anxiousness in my chest.
It is starting to get better. I found that physical exercise helped to shift it a bit. Like a release I guess, even just going for a brisk walk helps sometimes.
I think it's normal to feel anxious, with time hopefully it will pass.

Coggy said...

I'm so sorry you lost your son Owen, I came across your blog from charmedlife.
I have had a lot of anxiety since losing my son. I don't fear things happening to people I just have a constant anxiousness in my chest.
It is starting to get better. I found that physical exercise helped to shift it a bit. Like a release I guess, even just going for a brisk walk helps sometimes.
I think it's normal to feel anxious, with time hopefully it will pass.

Coggy said...

I'm so sorry you lost your son Owen, I came across your blog from charmedlife.
I have had a lot of anxiety since losing my son. I don't fear things happening to people I just have a constant anxiousness in my chest.
It is starting to get better. I found that physical exercise helped to shift it a bit. Like a release I guess, even just going for a brisk walk helps sometimes.
I think it's normal to feel anxious, with time hopefully it will pass.

Coggy said...

I'm so sorry you lost your son Owen, I came across your blog from charmedlife.
I have had a lot of anxiety since losing my son. I don't fear things happening to people I just have a constant anxiousness in my chest.
It is starting to get better. I found that physical exercise helped to shift it a bit. Like a release I guess, even just going for a brisk walk helps sometimes.
I think it's normal to feel anxious, with time hopefully it will pass.

Carole said...

I think that losing our children puts a whole new spin on the world...we will never see it the same. Towards the beginning my anxiety consumed me...but I'm finding ways to keep it under control.
~Carole

Anonymous said...

I have also had this problem since our baby died. My 5 yo son started school last week for the first time and I came close to having a nervous breakdown, leaving him there, and being unable to say goodbye (I had to sneak out). It was really horrible. And if my husband is even 5 minutes home late from work, I am calling all his numbers or picturing him dead on the street or something terrible. I hope it goes away. I don't like feeling like this.