Monday, November 19, 2007

The Opposite of Thankful

I've been working on a post for a few days now, sort of the opposite of my "Bite me" post. It seemed like the right time of year to talk about the people who have really gone above and beyond for us since we lost Owen and how we truly do have so many things to be thankful for. I was hoping to finish it up and get it up today, but I woke up this morning in a funk and I'm just not in a thankful place. I know what brought it on and I guess I have only myself to blame. I've been reading birth stories online. I read one last night that was just beautiful. She described feeling her baby slide out of her and then hearing the baby cry for the first time. I can't get it out of my head. I read it and all I could think is how badly I wanted that. The feeling of birthing Owen is still so vivid and so is the terrible silence that followed. I'm definitely not thankful for that.


Coggy said...

The silence of the birth is what haunts me. I hate it. The only noise was me sobbing. I can't imagine what it must be like to hear your baby cry after giving birth. I would give anything to have known different.

Maybe tomorrow you will feel thankful, and if not don't worry there's plenty of time for all of it.

c x

C. said...

The silence is so hard to forget. I'm not sure if the memory of that particular moment will ever be gone from me.

I'd tell you to stop reading those stories...but I know what it's like to want to torture oneself by doing it.

I hope you feel up to the thankful post tomorrow. I'm looking forward to reading it...

(And, I hope it's okay to say, I loved your Bite Me post. I felt good reading YOUR bite me's; I felt I was living vicariously through you.)

heather said...

I am so sorry honey. I know how hard it is to think of these moments.

Don't worry so much about being thankful right now. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking deep breaths, and moving on with life. Thankful will come on its own, with time.

Alethea said...

As you know I read your blog and sometimes look at the comments. I don't feel close enough to your experience to respond in general, but I wanted to write something here.

I want to express my thanks for having you in my life. You are one of those few special friends one hopes to find during one's lifetime. Even through all your sorrow and pain the Ashleigh I met a decade ago is still there - you are someone I love talking with and sharing life experiences with - even from a distance. You have been a gift in my life.