“Oh my son. My baby boy. I’m so sorry” I whispered over and over. I covered face with my hands and cried in a way that I have never cried before. I thought I might be sick. I thought I might die from the hurt of it. But after a few minutes, it was like a switch went off inside me and I remembered I wasn’t finished. This wasn’t over. I still had a job to do. I took a deep breath and dried my eyes.”Ok, what do I do now?” I asked.
The doctor cleared his throat and wiped his eyes. “I know this is difficult but you need to make some decisions. When you are this far along you need to deliver the baby.” I nodded. I knew this and even wanted to deliver my son. “We can admit you and induce labor now or-“
“Yes. That’s what I want. Let’s do this now.’
“Ok. We will make you as comfortable as possible. We will give you whatever you want pain relief wise. We can even give you medication to make this seem like a dream. Whatever you need.”
It hit me in waves; this was really happening, this was my life now. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to live this life and be this baby’s mother. “I need to call my husband. Please I need my husband.”
“Of course,” said the nurse “I’ll get you a phone.”
“No, my cell phone is my purse. Please get it.”
“We’ll give you a few minutes of privacy.” the doctor said “We’ll get things organized for the induction and call Janet the midwife on call.” They stepped out.
I struggled to get the number right. My hands were shaking.
JD answered on the first ring
“I need you to come here. I need you to come here right now,” was all I could get out.
“What?” he said sounding panicky. ”What’s happening? Is it the baby?”
All I could do was cry. How could I break his heart like this?
“He’s gone. He’s just gone.”
“Oh no...oh... no...” he breathed.
“Call daddy. See if he can come and stay with the kids. I need to deliver the baby.” I was in business mode now telling him what he needed to do to prepare the kids for me being gone overnight, reminding him to bring some things for himself.
An hour or so later he arrived at the hospital. He entered to the room and took me in his arms and we cried together.
“He’s a boy, JD. I asked and they told me. He’s a boy.”
It was not how I had planned to introduce my husband to his newest son.