When I got the hospital, I couldn’t find away in other than the Maternity Discharge exit. It was Sunday afternoon and the entrance I usually used was closed. I knocked on the door at Maternity and told the security guard I didn’t know how to get to L&D.
He asked "Is it for you? " I nodded and he escorted me to the desk.
The nurse was expecting me and took me a labor room. She had me get changed and get on the bed. She was so certain everything was ok.
“Let’s just see what’s going on with this baby” she said.
“Besides giving me gray hair?” I tried to joke.
She put the monitor on me. We could hear what sounded like a heartbeat thumping along.
“That’s me, isn’t it?” I said.
She nodded and moved the monitor around some. The same rhythm maybe slightly faster could be heard again. “It’s still just me. Isn’t it?”
The nurse looked more serious and then said "Sometimes when you are early these monitors don’t work so well. Let me get the ultrasound."
She left. I was 26 weeks and 6 days pregnant. The heartbeat had never been difficult to hear. She came back with the ultrasound and the attending physician.
He introduced himself and said "Let’s see what we can see. Do you know what you’re having?"
"No," I said "and I don’t want to… unless it’s very bad."
“No, no” he said. “Don’t think like that.”
As the image pulled up on the screen, all I saw was stillness. The doctor looked around and around, stopping here and there for a moment, not saying anything yet. But I had seen. I had seen the heart; I had seen that it was not beating. He turned off the screen and looked at me. I could see the sadness in his eyes.
“I do see something that concerns me.” He began softly.
“I know, it’s not good, is it?” I asked as tears began to come.
"No" he said gently. "It’s not. The baby’s heart is not beating. I’m so sorry."
I began to sob.
“Oh honey” The nurse said as she handed me tissues and rubbed my back.
“Do you know...do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?” I asked.
“It’s a boy. He’s a boy. I’m so very sorry.” The doctor sounded choked up.