Wednesday, April 30, 2008

9 months

It was nine months ago today. Owen was born silently nine months ago this morning. It was a beautiful sunny day like today. I remember wishing it would rain.

There are days when I still can't believe he was here and then gone so quickly. How could I have known how completely this tiny little man would change me? Or the journey he would take me on? I often wonder if I had known, would I have made different choices? Would I give him up to spare myself? There have been many times where, in my grief, I shamefully admitted to myself that I would rather not have known him at all. Slowly, over the last few months, that has changed. Now I can look at myself and feel some pride. I was the best mother to him that I could have possibly been.

Obviously, with anything dealing with pregnancy and babies, nine months takes on more significance than it would ordinarily. However this time, this has been a good thing. Whether it is because it is nine months or just coincidence, I don't know, but I am finally feeling a sense of completion and peace regarding Owen and my time with him. I am starting to give both of us the gift of letting him go. It has not been easy work, but I know in my heart I am doing the right thing. It has been through letting him go, that I have actually started to feel him with me in a positive way. I think we are both happier for it. I gave birth to his body nine months ago, but I am giving birth to his spirit today.

11 comments:

Sarah said...

It was 9 months for me yesterday. It does somehow seem more significant than the other monthly markers.

I've had the same journey - the "I wish I never was pregnant" moments all the way through to "I'm a better person for it" and everything in between.

yummysushipajamas said...

This is gorgeous, and I love the positivity in it. I am still so sorry you lost him, but I am glad you are starting to find some peace in it all.

Clarissa said...

gorgeous words ashleigh. he is with you forever and a piece of your heart is dedicated to him, as are pieces of your heart for your other children.

c. said...

Ashleigh,
You have written about this dreaded marker in the most beautiful, touching way. I am so sorry that Owen cannot be here with you today, but I am happy to know it is at this point you are beginning to find some peace with it all. Hopefully, I can get there, too. Thinking of you today and your sweet little Owen. XO.

G said...

Oh Ash, this is beautiful. It warms my heart for you and Owen.

Much love
G

janis said...

This is so beautiful, even if it had to come from a place of sorrow. Hugs to you.

STE said...

Ashleigh, this was a beautiful post. It feels odd to move forward, feeling that you are moving forward, and yet wanting to hold on. So glad you are reaching some peace with the process and with your love for Owen.

CLC said...

That was a beautiful post. 9 months does seem so symbolic. I am glad you are finding peace. Thinking of you.

k@lakly said...

A lot more things can grow in nine months than we realize...including hope:)

Ange said...

What a wonderful post. I am so glad you are feeling peace and gently moving on. But he is always part of you. Very lovely words. Thinking of you and him. x

Ann said...

I am so glad that you have begun the process of letting him go. For me, some days are better than others. I can feel like I'm doing pretty well, then I look at my nephew and can't stop thinking about what should have been.