As much a matter of survival as anything else, I have kept myself somewhat distant from this new baby. It has not been deliberate, but I couldn't help myself. I honestly haven't spend a ton of time dreaming about who this person will be. Probably because I remained unconvinced that this pregnancy will end with me taking home a baby. I still don't say "when", I say "if." I guess this is pregnancy after stillbirth.
While we were away, I sat on the beach and just stared at the ocean for hours. I think, in those moments, I was able to let Owen go some. I imagined him floating away on the waves and felt peaceful. I felt like I was giving him back in a way. As I sat there, I felt this new baby roll within me. His/her movements becoming more pronounced and for the first time, I was able to reach down and rub my belly and smile.
There by the ocean, I was able to let go of some of the distance between us.