Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Distance Between Us

As much a matter of survival as anything else, I have kept myself somewhat distant from this new baby. It has not been deliberate, but I couldn't help myself. I honestly haven't spend a ton of time dreaming about who this person will be. Probably because I remained unconvinced that this pregnancy will end with me taking home a baby. I still don't say "when", I say "if." I guess this is pregnancy after stillbirth.

While we were away, I sat on the beach and just stared at the ocean for hours. I think, in those moments, I was able to let Owen go some. I imagined him floating away on the waves and felt peaceful. I felt like I was giving him back in a way. As I sat there, I felt this new baby roll within me. His/her movements becoming more pronounced and for the first time, I was able to reach down and rub my belly and smile.

There by the ocean, I was able to let go of some of the distance between us.

10 comments:

yummysushipajamas said...

I am so in love with this post. It made me cry, but in a very good way. I am so happy to hear both that you have found some peace in letting Owen go a little bit and in opening the lines of communication with this new little life. I hope things continue to get better and better.

CLC said...

That's a beautiful post Ashleigh. I hope you continue to smile throughout this pregnancy.

Monica said...

I can remember the exact point in my pregnancy that I had a similar moment. And I too never said "when". Sure, there were moments that I felt like I'd "probably" get a baby, but I never believed it 100%. Even when I went in to be induced. But here I sit with a six month old.

I'm glad you had a peaceful moment with Owen. I still have those moments with Jimmy. When a ray of sunlight pierces the clouds, or a butterfly dances before me. I feel him just like you feel Owen.

c. said...

Beautifully written, Ashleigh. As broken as your heart is, I am happy to know you've taken that leap of faith and let in some happiness. It will never be the same - pregnancy, life, so many things - but you can love. It's all we've got really, for the ones who are here and the ones who can't be.

Thinking of you.

PS Did you do the name in the sand thing?

Ashleigh said...

c.- I did do the name in the sand- then I stood there and watched it wash away- it was so powerful. I thought about you actually, and was thankful that you gave me the idea.

Clarissa said...

After our trip to the beach for Amelie's angel anniversary - I really felt rejuvenated. The ocean is the best short-term remedy for any bereaved parent. I'm glad you got to enjoy your ocean getaway. I know Owen was with you and will be forever. He’s after all your guardian angel.

STE said...

I'm so glad you were able to have those moments: some small peace with letting Owen go, some sweet connection with this new baby.

A beautiful, hopeful post. Thank you for writing it.

k@lakly said...

I think this is one of the most beautiful things you have written. It is so sad and bittersweet and yet so full of hope.
Tears through a smile...not such a bad thing.

Ange said...

What a beautiful sweet yet little sad post. I am pleased that you are having some peace and hope you continue to feel like that.

Coggy said...

I am so glad that you were able to be with this new baby and smile. I hope you get more and more moments like this x