Monday, April 7, 2008

The Plan

When it comes right down to it, I am still angry about a lot of things having to do with losing Owen. One of these (which I am sort of embarrassed to admit) is the loss of my "plan." My plan for my life, for my family. I really liked my plan. I like plans in general. They gave me comfort, made me feel like I'm in control. Losing Owen was a horrifying way to realize how little control we really have over our own lives. It still makes me angry. As happy as I am to be hopefully having another baby (see, I can't not include that qualifier anymore), this was not my plan and I struggle with it. I was not supposed to be pregnant again this summer. My children were not supposed to be dealing with another upheaval to their lives. This was supposed to be our golden summer. Owen would be growing past infancy, starting to interact with his brother and sister. I would have lost the baby weight and be able to participate fully with the kids in all their summer activities. JD and I would be able to sit out on the patio after they were all in bed and enjoy a glass of wine in the summer night. It would have been wonderful. It really was such a nice plan...what would have been the harm in having it come true?

ETA: Julia at I Won't Fear Love has a wonderful post up that really speaks to me. Go over and check it out.


Clarissa said...

From the first day I met you – you stroked me as a girl with a master plan. I don’t think there’s any harm for having a plan, but I do think it’s harmful in banking on it. I guess we get so enamored in how things are “supposed to be” that we forget that we don’t have much control in our plans/life/future. I hope that some of your plans pan out and you manage to still be happy.

This is obviously a feedback from a “realist” ;)

yummysushipajamas said...

I don't think you should be embarrassed at all about feeling this way. We all have plans. We all want things to turn out a certain way.

I think every one of us feels cheated when things don't work out right.

I hope you can find a way to be alright with this new plan.

c. said...

I feel exactly as you do, Ashleigh. So cheated that my plan did not come to fruition. Thinking of you, wishing that your plan had taken shape as you had hoped. XO.

Coggy said...

This feels like the universe is having one long hard laugh at us planners. I don't have any plans at all anymore there is little point me making any in my current position. The only thing I want to do I have no control over so I'm not sure where that leaves me. I hate not having plans I feel lost and the future just seems to stretch out pointlessly right now.

I wish I could let go of what should have been. I really can't seem to though.

CLC said...

It's hard to face the fact that we have no control. Everything I do now since my baby died is accompanied by the thought that this wasn't in my plan for this year. It sucks and I wish so badly I could revert to the plan.

I hope you come to peace with this some day.

G said...

I don't know why I even bother to plan anymore. Seriously. I am going to turn into one of those fly by the seat of my pants people.
As soon as I create the plan to pull that off...


Brooke said...

I think almost all of us can relate to this. I know for myself, everything I do I think of how I wouldnt be doing this if Caden were here. How I wouldnt be at work yet etc. I also think of all the things I should have been doing with him. It just breaks my heart and the word I keep seeing repeated here in comments is so true. We all feel cheated, and it blows.