Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Tie-Breaker

As most of you know, I have two living children and have had two losses. So this pregnancy, whichever way it goes, will be the tie-breaker.I spend a lot of time convincing myself that I will be okay either way. But honestly, I think the outcome of this pregnancy will be more far-reaching than I can imagine. Should this baby die, I will have had more unsuccessful pregnancies than successful ones and I think that will greatly affect the way I view my body. For a variety of reasons, I've struggled with accepting and loving my body since puberty. I spent many years wishing it was other than it was and working to change it. Then, after carrying and giving birth to J, my oldest, I was in awe of myself. I saw my body as strong and purposeful. I can truly say I was in love with my own body. That feeling only magnified after carrying and birthing K. Since then I have two losses, one very early and then Owen. I no longer view my body with awe. I struggle with feeling betrayed and let down my body. I no longer trust it to do the job I believe it is supposed to. There is a lot riding on this pregnancy- almost too much, and that is very scary.


charmedgirl said...

i say pretty often that reproductively speaking, i am ruined forever. i'm not sure what pushed it into *forever* but along the way, it happened. there are just too many things at this point. i'm ruined forever; that part of me is ruined.

knowing what will push you into *forever* IS scary. and there's nothing that can be done about it, except wait and see. who knows, maybe you are already a little ruined forever...but just the feeling that there might be more...the risk's alot.

i'm quite afraid of opening that door again, (am i just adding to the ruinedness? am i going to push it outside the barriers of reproductive self to general self?) but here i go.

and here you are. it's just so much to carry.

yummysushipajamas said...

I am so sorry there is so much pressure on this! I know how hard it must be... just try to concentrate on good things, happy moments, and remember that no matter what happens, your body is still a pretty amazing thing.

kalakly said...

C@leb was the tie breaker for me...I am 3 losses and two living kids. I hate it. I don't trust my body either. And I don't think, even if I get lucky enough to do this again, and it actually works, that I will ever forgive it for failing me and him.

I hope like hell you come out on top, with the tie breaker. I really, really do.

CLC said...

I hope your body cooperates this time. It is a lot of pressure and anxiety to deal with. But I think it's totally understandable.

c. said...

I didn't know you had an early loss, too, Ashleigh. Hmmmm.

I hate my body. I thought, before all of this, that I was coming into my own. Liking me as is, for once in my life. I can't stand my body any more. I feel so powerless when it comes to anything about it.

I hope you get that baby trophy at the end of all of this, Ashleigh. I hope your body doesn't let you down again. I don't know what else to say...