Monday, March 10, 2008

My Truth

I realized recently that I've been thinking about posting way more than I have actually been posting. The reason for this is that since I've been pregnant I've felt a need to censor myself. I feel guilty (or something like guilty) because I realize that what I post here will likely be hurtful for some other loss mamas to read. I wish with all my heart that wasn't the case, but I know it is. So, the more I thought about it the less I've posted. I realized though that I need this outlet. I can't censor myself anymore. So from here on out I'm going to be honest about what is going with my life and that will likely include a lot of talk about my pregnancy. I'm very sorry to those of you who find it painful to read and I understand if you choose not to read anymore. I hope that you won't though. I hope that some of you will continue to walk this road with me.

So, hey you want to know what sucks about pregnancy after stillbirth? Everything.
There is no winning. If I feel bad (physically) I worry that something is wrong, if I feel good I worry that the baby is dead already. Instead of looking forward to feeling those first few flutters, I dread it because I know once they start I will constantly be waiting for that terrible moment when I realize that they've stopped. I have so much that I could be thankful for; I've found a wonderful new midwifery home with this amazing birth center that could potentially offer the birth of my dreams but I think I am too afraid to try it. They have been amazingly supportive and have consulted with experts to ensure I get the best monitoring etc. and I keep wondering if I had done all this last time would Owen be here?

This is my last pregnancy- no matter the outcome. I should be reveling in it. As it is, I am hiding.


yummysushipajamas said...

Please NEVER feel guilty for posting. I know that I am thrilled for you and not at all hurt by any of it. I also think this time is priceless for a lot of us to read about. I want to know what it is like. Maybe getting to see glimpses of your experience will help me know what to expect with mine.

Don't hide. REVEL. Enjoy. Celebrate. Cherish every single moment with this amazing new life.

kalakly said...

You have to post what your feeling, what's the point of having this blog if you can't speak your truth, right?I have worried that you were hiding it from us because you, of course, being the mother bear you are, would try to protect us from pain. I can't speak for anyone else but I know I am rooting for you, for a happy ending, for your healthy baby snuggled in your arms. I wish I was where you are but I am not, at least not yet I hope, but at least I can live a little vicariously through you. I can tell you this, I find no pain at all in reading about good things for a dead baby mom, especially when the good thing is a living baby.
Afterall, you brought me into this crazy blog world and out of my isolation, I sure as hell aint leaving you now.
I can't imagine all of the mixed feelings you must be having and I also can't imagine a more supportive group of ladies to share them with.
So let it all out I say, bring it on, we've got your back!

charmedgirl said...

i know how you feel...many times i backspace over a sentence or two about my alive kids. but you know what? sometimes it's relevant. this is our lives.

and you know what else? many of us are trying to become the p-word again, and we need to know. we need to not be shocked and surprised and hurt by the things that we are going to think and feel when/if it happens.

so, i will be eternally grateful if you spill it all. seriously, i selfishly submit that you stop the censoring, k?

G said...

I feel bad that you have been censoring :( Don't censor yourself! In fact, I want to hear your trials and tribs, as I hope to be there soon.

The mixed feelings you are having must be tough. Try to tiptoe into reveling some, as this baby already has your love. Reveling or hiding won't change that.

Clarissa said...

You didn’t strike me as a person who would allow herself to be censored. It’s your blog and you get to write whatever you want. Goodness, its what its there for.

Sure, there will be people who find it hard but they can censor themselves from your blog – everyone knows their threshold.

I am on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I cannot talk about this pregnancy...I feel like there’s nothing to tell. I’m just waiting and hoping. It’s all I can do.

Ann said...

I have thought a lot about how different it is for us, because we know what it is like to get very, very bad news. We're all convinced that the same thing that happened to us last time will happen to us again. For you, it's having your baby die again. For me, it's finding out that my baby, yet again, doesn't have all the right organs that would allow him to live.

It sucks. Plain and simple.

CLC said...

I don't think you need to censor yourself. If people can't handle it, they simply won't read it. I want to know how you feel. I want to know how you get through this. I want everything to turn out fine and hear all about it. Writing about it gives the rest of us a glimpse of what might be possible for ourselves down the road.

Amy said...

I am so incredibly sorry that you are feeling so anxious and not able to enjoy (if that's the word) your pregnancy.

I agree with the others here, you started this blog for support and you need to keep up with it for the same reason.

c. said...

I am happy to hear you'll be posting more, Ashleigh. I can completely understand how you would feel guilty and how you would want to protect us all from your baby talk. As Kalakly said, I am rooting for your happy ending as much as anyone else out here in deadbabyland.

Your pregnancy talk is sure to bring me some hope. I can only imagine what news of your new baby will bring me. XO.