Wednesday, October 24, 2007

A Stranger

One of the things I am struggling with quite a bit now is the loss of who I was before Owen died. I look at pictures of myself taken in the days and weeks before we lost Owen and I don't even recognize that person. There's one in particular that haunts me. A picture taken in June, about a month before Owen died. We were on vacation and in the picture I am on the beach, laughing. J & K are in the background playing in the sand. I am looking somewhere just beyond the camera lens. I look at this picture over and over. The woman I see there is content. I see her, smiling and confident, and feel an odd sense of detachment. I stare into my own eyes looking for clues- clues to what I'm not really sure; maybe some foreshadowing of the nightmare that will shortly begin, maybe some answer to how I will continue to survive. I envy her, but also pity her- she has no idea what's coming. I may as well be looking at pictures of a stranger- in some ways I guess I am.


charmedgirl said...

i've avoided looking at my pregnancy pictures. i want to look, yet i don't want to look at that huge belly and know what happened.

also, i though being pregnant sucked and i feel guilty about that.

a stranger. yeah.

Carole said...

I've thought the same things when I've looked at pictures when I was early on in my pregnancy before our dx. I don't think we can come out of this the same person we went in. Something that those around me are just coming to terms with.