Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Bite Me

This is dedicated to all the people who have said and done insensitive and just plain stupid things to us since Owen died. I have decided to get it all off my chest here and then try and let it go. Wish me luck.

Bite me to our midwife who, while I was laboring to give birth to my dead son, advised me not to wait too long to try again because one, it would make me forget "this", and two, I'm not getting younger. Nice, huh?

Bite me to my mother-in-law who, when we called her that Sunday to ask to her to help take care of J&K while we were in the hospital, told JD that she couldn't come until after 10 am on Monday because she had an appointment to get the oil changed in her car.

Bite me to the first chaplain they sent me in the hospital who immediately told me that I shouldn't be angry with God. My baby is dead, I'll feel however I damn well please and if God has a problem with that then its just too bad. He also told me not to grieve or miss the baby because he was never mine to begin with. You were preaching to the wrong audience, Father T. All you did was make me thank my lucky stars I wasn't raised Catholic.

Bite me to everyone has told me that they "know just how I feel because they have lost their grandmother/grandfather/dog." Yes, someone did, in fact, compare our loss to the death of their dog.

Bite me to people who, when making those kind of comparisons, justify it by saying "loss is loss." Anyone capable of saying that has never lost a child.

Bite me to the Medical Center for billing us incorrectly so that I get to spend hours on the phone telling clueless and unfeeling people our story. Bite me again to one particular woman for implying I might be making it up to avoid paying them.

Bite me to the nurse at our former practice for saying "Congratulations" when I arrived for my six week post-partum - You saw me in the hospital, you knew he died! Bite me again for then hiding from me when I was leaving.

Bite me again to my mother-in-law for asking JD if I was "better yet" 5 days after Owen was born.

Bite me to the security guard at Maternity Discharge who made fun of me as I tearfully thanked the nurse who cared for me after my delivery. I know you didn't know my story but was that really necessary? You could see I was leaving without a baby.

Yet another bite me to my in-laws for not coming to Owen's burial service. Yes, I get that you are uncomfortable with our religious choices and death in general, but couldn't you get over yourselves for one minute and be there for JD, your son???

Bite me to every woman who has easy uncomplicated deliveries and takes it for granted. I am so jealous of your innocence I could scream.

One final giant bite me to my very own body. Why couldn't you keep him safe?

This actually feels kind of good- care to add any of your own?


Clarissa said...

Oh, my "bite me list" was & still is long but as time passes people fall off the list (and some pop back on).

I think my loved ones & friends would be very surprised to hear about their camio appearence on my list.

charmedgirl said...

my mother- who said god had to take the baby so i wouldn't die in delivery, and told me i just need to understand that's what SHE needs to believe for her own comfort.

my midwife- who called a couple of times afterward; the last conversation ended with me asking her not to stop calling because i'm having a hard time reaching out. that was a month ago.

i hate people.

Jenny said...

Such a great idea! I'm sorry your "bite me list" was so long!

Here's a few of mine. Bite me to the nurse who walked me out of the hospital who wasn't happy until she had me bawling.

Bite me to my mother in law and any one else who acts like I don't have 3 sons!

Bite me to all the people who are living like I lived my life before I had a dead baby!

Thanks for allowing me to get that off my chest!!!


missing_one said...

Your mom in law sounds like my friend who I gave up because of similar things she was doing/saying. She said, "i thought you would be better by now"
too bad you can't give up a mother in law.

No one is on my bite me list anymore...because, well, compared to losing a child, all the things that people do and say to me, and in general, are just so trivial and stupid to me now.

meg said...

I need to make one of these lists, for sure.

I think the worst one was my MIL: well, at least you're not paralyzed in a wheelchair.

I so would have taken that over dead babies.

Jaime said...

Oh I am so sorry you were surrounded by such cruel insensitive people during that time. When Evan was stillborn on Christmas eve, just 2 short months ago, I was lucky to have an amazing care team, but I still had to deal with some crazy crap from others in my life. My biggest pet peeve has been people comparing their miscarriages to my loss of my son at full term + 1 week, Um I am sorry but your miscarriage is in no way the same as my giving birth to an 8lb baby I carried for nearly 42 weeks. I am not saying its not terrible at all, but its just not the SAME. Loss is not loss, each loss is fully different.

Anonymous said...

My son was stillborn a year ago today. I'd like to add to your Bite Me List...

Bite me to the attending ob/gyn who never said "I'm sorry" or offered any kind of condolence except asking if I wanted something for the pain.

Bite me to the ob/gyn's office who billed us immediately, we received his bill less than a WEEK after Jonah was born and when I called to complain the nurse said coldly she was sorry - yeah right. Bite me to the same nurse who, when we were trying to find somewhere to get an emergency ultrasound because our midwife couldn't find our baby's heartbeat, said we had to have an appointment.

Bite me to all my stupid neighbors who have said terrible things to me... One shouting across the street just a few days later "I heard what happened - sorry - I don't have time to come over." Jesus!... Another neighbor asked just 6 weeks later how I was doing. I said I was having a hard day. She asked why and I reminded her it'd only been 6 weeks. "Oh," she said, "you're still upset about that?"... The shouting neighbor only recently told another neighbor when she asked my husband if we still just had one child, that "it didn't work out." Like it was any of her business to say answer that question.

Bite me to my in-laws who said "you shouldn't be afraid to try again." And who during the week we were waiting to deliver were insisting we make plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas. (We didn't see them for either.)

Bite me to my mother who has made it all about her and instead of just letting me be, complains to my siblings that she's "losing me all over again." Ugh!

Bite me to myself - I AM afraid to try again. I just want Jonah...

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say I love this. I wish I had the courage to do something like this back then. Most of my bite me's have fallen off the list. I still have a few though.

I have been reading your story and my heart hurts for you. You are so honest and it is rare to find that. Most people try to sugar coat things. Myself included. Thanks for sharing so much with us.