Tuesday, June 3, 2008

No Man's Land

Lately, I find myself struggling to find a place where I belong. As I get further along in this pregnancy, I'm actually starting to believe that I may take home a baby sometime in August. As thrilled as I am about that possibility, it separates me some from the little community of deadbaby mamas that I've found out here in the blogosphere. I read the blogs and want to comment, but feel so self-conscious and hyper aware of my state that I hesitate. I don't quite belong the way I did a few months ago.

At the same time, I lurk on a few due date clubs and know that without a doubt I don't belong there either. I read their posts about all their grand plans for labor and birth and baby rearing and just cringe. Don't they realize talking about those plans may just tempt the fates to steal it all away from them? At least that's how I feel. I feel like I should start making some plans in case this baby does arrive this summer. Then again, planning anything feels like incredible hubris. I'm stuck here and kind of floundering. I wish there was some guide to follow.

I find myself in this strange no man's land. I don't know what I feel, other than alone.


Coggy said...

I do get what you mean. I come in and out of blogland, sometimes I feel I belong other times I no longer feel it.
Maybe it's normal to. You should say what you want to say. You have every right to comment, you've walked the same path as we have.

yummysushipajamas said...

If it helps, I think you absolutely belong in BOTH places. You have lost, and that is forever with you, but now you have a new life to be excited about and plan for.

G said...

I was thinking about this yesterday... when I was pg I was a total obsessive freak with message boards and groups where I belonged.

What happens when I get pregnant again? I feel like this blogland will be the only place I have. In fact, if I go back to any of those boards, I will have to create a whole new identity (specifically the fertilethoughts boards) as its just a click of the button to see what happened to me. I would scare the innocents, yet at the same time have absolutely no patience for them.

For what its worth, Ash, your comments are always welcome. I still love reading your blog. You aren't alone.

CLC said...

You may "graduate" from this club, but you will always be one of us. I mean you will always be welcomed, at least on my blog. Women who are prego after a loss inspire me. I like to read about them. I want to know that there's hope. But maybe it's not so bad to re-join the ranks of the blissfully ignorant too. No reason why you can't have one foot in each world.

Clarissa said...

You are definitely a stronger person than I. I have not been visiting expectant mother’s sites. I have nothing in common with those women apart from being pregnant and that to me is hardly a common trait.

Loss and hope is the only thing I’ve connected to and found comfort in. I hope you find some peace in whatever group you feel like being a part of that day. I could imagine, the feelings change minute to minute.

Catherine said...

You're not alone. I promise you that.

Azaera said...

I feel the same way, being pregnant after a loss is difficult, because you feel out of place with the others who have lost, but you are just waiting to lose again yourself, and hoping that you won't.. and yeah, I get the whole feeling out of place thing. I really do.

k@lakly said...

You will always belong here. Your words offer comfort not pain. For those who are not yet ready to read about pregnancy after a loss they can always choose not to read. I think most find comfort in knowing there is a chance for hope and maybe even babies after loss.
While I find I have nothing in common with the innocent pg's, I do have much in common with you and the other moms who are now pg after loss and are dealing with a whole new plateful of emotional chaos.
Please keep writing and writing honestly for as long as you want to. I for one will always welcome your words.

c. said...

I get this, Ashleigh, a little. I haven't come as far as you, and graduating is just a far away hope right now, but I can tell you with much certainty, you will never be alone.

Elisabeth said...

You are not alone. I have been there... in some ways, I am still there. In reading your post, I heard my own feelings echoed.

The sadness of our losses is the flip side to the joy of being a mother... and perhaps the joy is even sweeter for it?

Rosalind said...

That's so sad that you feel that way but I completely 'get' what you feel ... I feel like I don't belong all the time but i have learnt that in deadbabyland you belong where ever you want depending on where you are and what state of mind you are in..It's a sad thinking but I imagine i would feel the same way in your shoes