I took all of your advice (and strength) and talked to my midwife about the dreams I've been having. It was a really good conversation. I was able to talk about a lot of my fears and she received it in a positive way. Most importantly I did not feel like a total freak.
As an aside, I think since Owen died I would rather "suffer in silence" than reach out for support and be rejected. I know in my head that's not the healthiest way to live, but I think its one of the many scars left behind. There were so many people I thought would be there for us (me) when he died that just weren't. Sometimes that hurt almost as much as losing him.
Back to the midwife convo though, I was very honest and explained exactly what I've been dreaming. Her reply was that she would never ever gloss over a mother's intuition. She agreed that even though I had (prior to losing Owen) dreamed of a birth center birth that might not be the best place for me this time. We talked about all the things that are available at the hospital for those kind of situations. I'm starting to feel like there's a "safe" place for us. It was another tiny little exhale moment.
In other news, I'm not sure if I had mentioned this or not, but, up to this point, I have done virtually nothing to prepare for this baby's potential arrival. Well, this week, actually this morning, I was finally able to take a few little steps. I preregistered at the hospital and I bought a hooded towel. I know neither of these is really a big deal but they feel monumental to me.
8 comments:
I'm so glad to hear this. Your blog post seems hopeful - which selfishly I am absorbing as I need to be around hopeful ppl.
PREREGISTERING?!? Goodness, nearly forgot about that! Thx for the reminder, even if it wasn't meant to be one ;)
I think those are huge steps, it makes me cry just to think that you have gotten to this point where you actually believe you will get to bring home your baby.
I am glad your midwives were so supportive of you. I hope it has made this a little easier for you,if easy here is possible at all.
xxoo
Wow you bought stuff, go you. I can only imagine how that must have felt. I can't imagine it at all.
I've just been catching up on your posts, sorry I missed your last one, although you got all the advice you needed. I would have said the same. I'm so glad you spoke to your MW and I'm so, so glad that she listened to you and actually did something to reassure you.
love to you ashleigh x x x
That hooded towel makes me smile for you.
How wonderful that you were able to have an honest and helpful conversation with your midwife. Since (unfortunately) it can sometimes be difficult to find someone who understands, it's always a huge relief to discover that some people will listen and do care.
congrats on the hooded towel! that is a big step, and it's something to treasure. hang in there.
Good girl talking about it with the MW.. I think talking about it takes a bit of the weight off your shoulders which you so need right now..
After my loss I was (sadly) amazed by how many people let me down. My own father didn't call for two months after my daughter's death. It was heartbreaking.
But then there were people who I didn't even think would be there for me who were. Who did a million little things that really helped me. It ment so much.
I'm glad to hear you are taking baby steps. I'm not TTC yet, but I can imagine how scarry it is.
I wish you all the best.
Holli
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