Thursday, May 15, 2008

Unexpected

Not long ago, I spent some time with a very good friend of mine and her twin boys. In what sometimes feels like the ultimate irony, the boys were due a week and a half before Owen (in October) and were actually born a week and half before Owen (in July.) Only her boys lived. As we now live half a country apart, this was the first time I had seen the boys in person. I was pretty nervous about how it would feel, seeing these little ones that, in so many ways, were such a stark reminder of what could have been mine. The reality of it wasn't as bad as I imagined, and it got me thinking. Sometimes I wonder if there was a part of me somewhere that knew I wouldn't bring Owen home with me. When I think back on my pregnancy with him, I remember feeling a sense of reserve that I really had no reason to feel. Maybe I'm re-imagining the past to make myself feel better, I don't know. All I know is that while holding those boys, not once did I think "this could have been me." And I really expected to.

6 comments:

Clarissa said...

In the initial months of loosing A – I really tried to avoid seeing babies that would have her age. It was hard when I did see a baby shortly after she died and maybe I did get the bitter reminder that this is what she’d be like. But as time passed and I met more and more babies her age – I stopped thinking that way. Because at the end of it all – they were not my children and they couldn’t be “mine”.

What I think I’m trying to say is – no baby in the world, not even the one you carry in your belly is Owen. And that’s your reality – the one you are living with and slowly getting used to. At least it’s the case for me.

niobe said...

I'm glad to hear it was easier than you expected. I don't have a problem with babies and children in general, but I still haven't been able to make myself see my stepbrother's 1-year-old daughter, who was born at exactly the time the twins should have been.

Coggy said...

Like Clarissa I think it was the same for me. I met up with my friend who had a little girl at the same time as me and I just kind of realized that it didn't upset me because she wasn't Jacob. I will admit I have a harder time around similar aged boys, but to be honest that is fading too.

I still get incredibly jealous at times, not of their child, but of the fact that they got to keep theirs and I didn't. I guess that may fade with time, but I don't think it will ever go away.

CLC said...

I am glad it wasn't as difficult as you anticipated. I guess that's healing, right?

Brooke said...

Both my partner and I commented in the weeks that followed Caden's death that we never really thought we would bring him home.
We never finished his room, or even finished painting his crib. I felt very different to when I was pregnant with my first.
I dont know whether it was us looking back on it and telling ourselves that we never really pictured him coming home, or whether it was the universe's way of preparing us for what was to come...

Joc said...

Hello Ashleigh, I just stumbled upon your blog today, and have been sitting here reading, from the beginning the story of your beautiful son. I cant say I know how you feel, or that things will get better, I have no experience in losing a child as you have. I can only say that you have honoured Owen so beautifully in your words, and that your love for him shines through so clearly here. I am so terribly sad for your loss. I wish you well.
Kind regards
Joc