Thursday, May 15, 2008
Not long ago, I spent some time with a very good friend of mine and her twin boys. In what sometimes feels like the ultimate irony, the boys were due a week and a half before Owen (in October) and were actually born a week and half before Owen (in July.) Only her boys lived. As we now live half a country apart, this was the first time I had seen the boys in person. I was pretty nervous about how it would feel, seeing these little ones that, in so many ways, were such a stark reminder of what could have been mine. The reality of it wasn't as bad as I imagined, and it got me thinking. Sometimes I wonder if there was a part of me somewhere that knew I wouldn't bring Owen home with me. When I think back on my pregnancy with him, I remember feeling a sense of reserve that I really had no reason to feel. Maybe I'm re-imagining the past to make myself feel better, I don't know. All I know is that while holding those boys, not once did I think "this could have been me." And I really expected to.