Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Exhaling?

Well I did it. I survived. At this point with Owen, I was no longer pregnant. I was officially starting my life as a deadbaby mom. In fact, I was still holding him in my arms. Its bittersweet.

Everyone had told me that once I got past that day in this pregnancy, I would be able to breathe easier. I know it's early yet, but so far that doesn't seem to be true. In fact, right now, I feel even more anxious. I feel like I'm on borrowed time. I had a disturbing dream last night where I was at the perinatalogist's office and having all sorts of tests and I remember saying, its not happening again, is it? The nurse turned to me and said, you didn't actually think you were going to bring home a baby, did you?

I think that might be the source of this new anxiety. I don't want to admit it, even to myself, but I am starting to think I will bring home a baby. Knowing what I do, that seems like a dangerous and somewhat foolish belief. I just want this baby here. How many days until August?

10 comments:

Clarissa said...

too many darn days before August … I just hope that time is gentile to you and it passes by quickly.

I'm not sure what to say about passing Owen gestational period because as though it’s monumental and you’ve survived it - it’s quite sad as well. I really hope you get to bring this baby home too.

G said...

I am so glad you made it through yesterday OK. I would imagine the big exhale after the previous pg anniversary wouldn't do much for me either.

Let the hope edge in, this baby deserves it. The way I see it, you are fully invested at this stage anyways. We are here with you until August (well, after too, but you know).

yummysushipajamas said...

Congratulations on making it through the "milestone" time... We'll all be praying/hoping/wishing for you for the rest of the time. August will be here before you know it, and I can't wait to see baby pictures.

Coggy said...

Glad you made it through. I don't think until you bring the little one home does the worry stop and I think that is totally normal.

Really it's not that long till August, I know if feels like an age, but it will come round sooner than you think. x x x x

c. said...

Too many days, Ashleigh. That's the shitty part. I hope it goes fast though. I have everything crossed for you that you get what you are so deserving of. XO.

k@lakly said...

Oh God, I am so dreading this. I feel bits and pieces of it already. I hope you are able to enjoy some of this pregnancy as you edge farther away from the "d-day" and closer to a happy ending.
As my husband says, you just never really know all you lost do you?
I hope August comes and goes quickly both for you to bring your baby home and for me to get through these same dark days you just survived.
xo

STE said...

Glad you got through yesterday. I can imagine how immensely hard this must be. Hoping upon hope that the rest of this pregnancy is quiet and peaceful.

Carole said...

Thinking of you and remembering you in the days ahead. I can't even imagine how hard it was to get through yesterday. Wishing you peace...
~Carole

Ange said...

thinking of you and the days will just fly by...you wait and see. am expecting only good things for you.

CLC said...

I hope the next few months fly by for you. I am glad you survived the day. That's a huge step.