Monday, December 24, 2007

Peace

Since Owen died, I've found that my wishes are simpler. Instead of grand plans for the future, I just want to get through the day complete- or complete enough. I don't always wish for perfection or even happiness, just survival. It's something that has made me very sad. I really don't want to just survive. I want to glory in my life. But I am afraid. Do you think one can make a conscious decision to be hopeful again? To dream big while knowing that the worst can happen to you? I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but during this holiday season, I've found myself coming back to the same phrase, time and time again. A friend wrote to me that she wished for me to find "the peace that passes all understanding." It has stuck with me. I think that's really what I need. Peace even when there should be none. Hope when it doesn't make sense to be hopeful. Joy in the midst of sorrow. I wish that for all of us this holiday season.

8 comments:

a- said...

That peace is elusive for me. I have brief moments when I have a sense of peace and more moments when I don't. Understanding seems so much more important but when you think about it, what can we change about the past? As desperately as we'd like to change yesterday, nothing we do can change yesterday's outcome. We can only be hopeful about tomorrow and achieve a peace that lessens the pain little by little.

Thinking of you and your Owen...

c. said...

Very sweet, Ashleigh. I wish the same for you and the rest of us. That we can find some measure of peace in the days and months and years ahead. I want to understand this shit hand we've all been dealt, but as a. says, it won't change the outcome. I just hope that obtaining some peace isn't dependent upon understanding first and that we can find peace without it. I am hopeful of this and nothing else right now.
You and Owen and your family are in my thoughts. XO.

Coggy said...

I do think it is possible to dream big and know that the worst can happen. The only things we can count on in life are the small things, with everything big we can only hope.
I have had the strange experience over the last few days of realising that despite the fact that Jacob died I am probably happier than a lot of my friends, but at the moment I am just sad.
That probably sounds mental and to be honest it feels a bit mental but I am starting to realise it's true. It is only in the light of this immense sadness that I realise what I actually have in my life. I realise now more than ever my husband is my soulmate. To have him in my life makes this bearable. We are sad but we won't always be, and when that sadness gives way more I believe I will be a far better person for it.
Your sentence Joy in the midst of sorrow sums it up. It is possible to have to complete opposites occur at the same time.
So I too wish you and everyone else here much joy, hope and peace this holiday even if it is in the midst of this sadness.

Jennifer said...

Joy in the midst of sorrow...I have the hardest time having joy in my life without having this overwhelming guilt that I experienced some type of happiness when I should be sad. Your sentance makes sense...just because we might experience joy or happiness doesn't mean that we've forgotten the sorrow. Peace...that is something that I hope to have one day.

yummysushipajamas said...

Thank you for this. I hope we all find even a moment of peace, a second of silence in our troubled souls.

Rosalind said...

Thinking of you Ash

meg said...

"peace that passes all understanding"

I will keep this one in my mind, for sure. I hope for this for you and for all of us too.

charmedgirl said...

none of this makes sense. if one of the feelings i can have is peace, i want it. if i don't understand any of it anyway, why the hell not?