Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Animal Instinct

I remember reading a story a long time ago about a gorilla at a zoo that had a baby that had been born dead or died shortly after and she continued to carry it around with her- the zoo-keepers thought she didnt realize it had died, but now I'm not so sure. Sometimes, I think that if it were an option, if I weren't afraid of other people committing me, I would have brought Owen home with me and carried him around with me until there was nothing left. Even now the urge to have him with me physically is so strong that I sit caressing the tiny spot of blood left on his gown. That stained gown is one of my most precious posessions. It's all I have of him.


Coggy said...

I know exactly what you mean. I sometimes found the urge to go back to the hospital and get Jacob overwhelming.
I have Jacob's blanket he was wrapped in and it has a tiny mark of meconium on it from him. I sit with that blanket and stroke the mark so often. It's the only tangible evidence I have that he existed, that I didn't just dream all of this. I am so glad I have that blanket. What a strange world we live in where things like this mean so much.

C. said...

I know EXACTLY how that gorilla felt and how you feel now. I would absolutely have done the same thing, if they had let me. The pain of this all is excruciating. I don't know how else to describe this.

I have a blood stained receiving blanket. It's tucked away in his box. It carries the scent of him, I assume from the lotions they lathered all over his body. I treasure that blanket like no material possession I own. I would give up life and limb for that smelly, stained little blanket that once held my baby boy.

I'm having an awful day today. The memories of letting him go are all rushing back to me and I can hardly stand it.

Your post is beautiful. This experience, awful. Hugs to you. I'm thinking of you and Owen with much love.

Hope said...

I believe you are right. I am sure I would have done the same with my Samuel. I cry everytime I hear about a mom losing a child. I don't care if it's a animal or human. I am sure the animal mama's hurt as well.

Carole said...

I so know what you mean. I wanted to carry Joseph right out of the funeral home. There was not enough time with him...and it still breaks my heart.

Heather said...

I know just how you feel, but honey it is NOT all you have of him. You have a connection to him that no one else has or can take from you. You know him, and he knows you, in a way that cannot be changed or cheapened by his loss.

charmedgirl said...

i think about that gorilla all the time. i don't know when i heard of it, but i think of it ALL THE TIME.

her hat still has stains on it. i can't bear to look at it.

Becca said...

I know how you feel. I have been sleeping with the baby blanket that ours had her pics taken on in the hospital. And I won't wash it because it still smells like the hospital. It's all I've got.

kalakly said...

I read your blog all the time and am always glad??//comforted to read that some one else feels or experiences what I am living with. My son was born still 9/1/07. I found you through your "Bite Me' blog, which I loved b/c it was as if I wrote it.
I have one to add which happened to me today and I am so angry and hurt but have no one to talk to about it so I thought I'd share it here...to see if I am crazy and immature or normal.
I received what I thought was a Christmas card in the mail from my "sister in law" (she's really my sister's, sister in law but we're a small family, instead, it was a Birth Announcement, pictures and all, for her daughter born 9/14/07, two weeks after my son was born. We never received ANYTHING from them, not a note, card, phone call when he died and now I get this????
Do people think, Oh it's been four months, they should be over it by now???? My baby boy was due 1/5/08. I'm still supposed to be pregnant, how could I be over him?
How can people be so insensitive...thougthless...mean?

MogosMom said...

Ditto - My Aidan died at 27 weeks 2 years ago. I have his stained hat - the smell of him is almost gone now. Thank you for this post.

Ashleigh said...


I am so sorry for your loss. And no you are not crazy or immature- what your sister-in-law did was thoughtless- it definitely deserves a "bite me"!


theresa said...

I lost my son Henry last December 15th, spontaneously at home, at 8 months. The towel that I wrapped around him is the most precious thing I own. I keep it in a safe that we bought especially for his ashes and our momentos. I wish that like the Gorilla, I had held onto him. Sometimes I feel like I didn't protect him by letting the medical examiner take him. The pain of this has been unbearable and having that towel, with his scent and his blood and the knowledge that it was wrapped around him has been my only comfort at times. I sit and hold it, and talk to him, and it lets me feel close to him, instead of so far away.