Tuesday, July 30, 2013

On your Sixth Birthday, you sent me a gift

Owen,

I had the most beautiful experience today while visiting your grave. I drove up there this morning after dropping your brother & sisters at camp. I stopped along the way and picked up the flowers I had ordered for you and your Grandma. It is beautiful day, warm and sunny but dry, and the sky is a clear blue that seems to go on forever. In the car, I was surrounded by that blue and the smell of the flowers, and I kept feeling like I should feel some awe or joy in the beauty of the day. I should have been celebrating you, but my heart was heavy this morning. I was sad and tired and my chest actually hurt. I was feeling like I just wanted to get this visit over with, to get this whole day over with. I arrived at the cemetery and parked in front of your stone. I trimmed the grass around, pulled some stray weeds and cleaned the marker, all the while feeling numb and heartsick. I got to my feet, took the flowers from the trunk and placed them at your head. I stepped back and looked down at your stone and the flowers and my chest felt tighter and heavier. I just felt like I couldn't breathe, like I couldn't do this for one more minute.

And that's when it happened. A single yellow butterfly landed briefly on your flowers. It was large, probably almost the size of my palm with its wings spread wide. In that split second, where I thought, "I should take a picture", it flew over and landed on my chest. I looked down at it sitting there on me and felt peace. I took a deep breath and it fluttered off up into the sky. I was left with that sense of peace. I do not know if the butterfly carried your spirit, or was sent by you, or Mom, or G-d, or none of those things. I know only that I went there feeling so very dark and alone, and there, by your graveside, into that darkness came a light.

Happy Birthday

2 comments:

Nicole B. said...

Thinking of you as the month begins, and thinking of Owen, and sending you deepest thanks for sharing your story to help all of us going through it now.

Nicole B. said...

Thinking of you as the month begins, and thinking of Owen, and sending you deepest thanks for sharing your story to help those of us going through it now.