I'm finding that I don't want to finish writing Eden's birth story. Once I do, I'll have to acknowledge that my baby-making days are over. I'm not ready to do that. In spite of everything that I said during my pregnancy about it being my last, and all the trauma that led up to the delivery, it makes me very sad to think I will never do it again.
I think part of the reason I'm having such a hard time with this is because the decision has pretty much been taken out of my hands. One of things that I haven't mentioned here yet is that, over my hospital stay, both before and after Eden's birth, each of the doctors (OB, hematologist, perinatalogist, neonatalogist, midwife, etc.) in turn sat down with me and, gently (or not so gently in some cases) suggested that I not do this again. Before Eden was born, Dr. C., my perinatalogist, reminded me of my promise I was all done and, then by her bedside in the NICU, he again suggested that considering our family complete would be the wisest decision and made me promise if I were to get pregnant I would come and see him immediately.
I think part of me is still hoping that someday I would have that perfect birth. I just feel sad to be closing the door to this part of my life.
* Eden is doing very well. She is just a doll. We see the cardiologist tomorrow. I am very nervous. I really want him to give us an answer to what lies ahead and know that will probably not happen.