Monday, September 1, 2008

Closing the Door

I'm finding that I don't want to finish writing Eden's birth story. Once I do, I'll have to acknowledge that my baby-making days are over. I'm not ready to do that. In spite of everything that I said during my pregnancy about it being my last, and all the trauma that led up to the delivery, it makes me very sad to think I will never do it again.

I think part of the reason I'm having such a hard time with this is because the decision has pretty much been taken out of my hands. One of things that I haven't mentioned here yet is that, over my hospital stay, both before and after Eden's birth, each of the doctors (OB, hematologist, perinatalogist, neonatalogist, midwife, etc.) in turn sat down with me and, gently (or not so gently in some cases) suggested that I not do this again. Before Eden was born, Dr. C., my perinatalogist, reminded me of my promise I was all done and, then by her bedside in the NICU, he again suggested that considering our family complete would be the wisest decision and made me promise if I were to get pregnant I would come and see him immediately.

I think part of me is still hoping that someday I would have that perfect birth. I just feel sad to be closing the door to this part of my life.

* Eden is doing very well. She is just a doll. We see the cardiologist tomorrow. I am very nervous. I really want him to give us an answer to what lies ahead and know that will probably not happen.


CLC said...

Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you.

And it's hard to make peace with decisions that are not our own. I hope you will be able to in time.

Clarissa said...

I understand the ending of a pregnancy can make you feel a bit depressed and knowing that it might be your last - makes it all the more emotional. For every pregnancy, I always assume its my last as I don't know what lies ahead after birthing them. Can I handle it? Will they be special needs? Will I be fertile?

So it goes...right now, I have my what-should-have-been-perfect family. My little girl and my baby boy :)

Congrats on Eden again. Best of luck w/ the heart doc. Let me know how it goes. Oliver also needs to visit the cardio in January.

Azaera said...

I hope the doctor only has good news for you guys. Eden is just adorable.

janis said...

((hugs)) I am so sorry. It hurts to have a choice wrenched out of your hands...
Thinking of you and your family and keeping fingers crossed for a clear answer that puts your heart at ease.

emmay said...

First, Congratulations on the birth of Eden!
I've been a lurker here, but had to comment on this post.
My ideal family was three children. It's what I came from and it's what I wanted. Not too small a family, not too big. I have been pregnant three times. Our first ended in a miscarriage and the second and third each gave us beautiful daughters who, as a result of my uterine anomaly and preeclampsia, were born twelve and ten weeks early. At the urging of my obstetrician, we have decided to call it quits at two. Our daughters, despite their early births, are healthy and thriving little girls. I am healthy. There would be a near guarantee of pre-eclampsia again, but no guarantee of a healthy baby or a healthy mother. Not really a chance I'm willing to take, but it makes me sad sometimes anyway. It was sad to realize I'd never have a perfect, or even typical birth experience. But really, in the end it didn't mater. My stories are my stories. My kids are great. I can't really ask for more. You'll likely get there in time, and I hope it is without too much regret. It was a process for me.

STE said...

Hoping for good news tomorrow and wishing you peace as you enter this next part of your life.