* I wanted to put a warning on this post and let you know that is about my new pregnancy. I realize it may be difficult(to say the very least) for some of you to read. I am very sorry for any pain it may cause and truly understand if some choose not to read or comment.
So I went this morning for my F.irst Tri.mester screening. I haven't talked much about it because I really haven't been feeling very confident about things. In fact, I was pretty sure when they started the ultrasound I would see another deadbaby. So sure that I spent the drive there composing a blog entry about it in my head. My new midwives sent me to a major medical center that specializes in high risk pregnancies. In the waiting area, I watched the other women carefully, wondering if there were any other deadbabymamas waiting with me. I decided it was no- no one had that haunted look I've come to recognize in the mirror. After they called me in, the sonographer asked me which number pregnancy this was for me and I told her it was my fifth. She did a bit of a double take (I'm told I look young- I don't think so but I do actually still get carded on sort of a regular basis.) Then she asked how many of those pregnancies went to term. Just one, my first. K was born just shy of 36 weeks, so she's not considered a term pregnancy. I had an early (5 week) loss, and my son, Owen was stillborn at 27 weeks. She noted this all and told me how sorry she was. She seemed genuine which was nice. She asked how I was feeling and I told her I was scared. She patted me gently on the arm and said she would try to help with that. She pulled up the image and there on the screen was a baby. It was recognizable as a baby and I started to cry. She said I think there's something you need to hear and all of a sudden the room was filled with the sound of my baby's heart beating. I swear at that moment, the baby waved at me and hope bloomed in my heart again. The sonographer spent a long time looking over the baby, showing me everything and reassuring me that all looked great. Then she called the doctor in and he did the same. It was wonderful and necessary. Now I know that as the days and weeks pass by I will grow fearful again, but for today I want to grab onto that flicker of hope and nuture it as best I can.