At the beginning, I often wondered where I would, who I would be all these days later. I would read blogs of women who had lost children years in the past and find them completely overwhelming.
I wanted the grief to be something I survived, past tense. But, I know now that it does not work that way.
The grief and sorrow I feel about losing, holding and burying my son does not change. It is a constant. What changes is me.
I grow stronger and carrying him with me gets easier. Not everyday of course, like anything else, I have days when I am tired, or sick or sad and it feels so very hard and heavy. But, there are also ones where I feel strong and capable, where carrying him with me feels good and right.
I am learning that there really is no past tense of grieve. I will always grieve for Owen. Losing him will never be over, not as long as I am living. When I go back and read that, it stops me a bit. It sounds so dark and sad.
And there are days, like today, that it is.
5 years later.