It's not all angst, I swear. There is a lot of good in post-loss mothering too. I was just surprised by how much more aware of my loss it has made me. I know I said over and over again that I knew a new baby wouldn't take away that pain of losing Owen, but on some level I must have believed it would. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been surprised when it didn't, right?
I was talking the other day to another deadbaby mama and she was telling me that after her daughter died she had a physical. During that physical, her doctor discovered a heart murmur that was never there before. I can't stop thinking about it. It's like losing her daughter literally left a hole in her heart. I know it's crazy of me, but I think its the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
It got me thinking about the hole Owen left behind. I see it more clearly now, since having Eden. When I look at her with J & K, Owen's absence is more glaring than it was before Eden's birth. I can actually see a hole in our family now. It's become more concrete for me. Between the preschooler and the infant, there is a toddler missing. I know that nothing, not Eden, not any other child, can fill that gap.
What Eden does, though, is fill up other spaces in me, holes I didn't know were there.
She makes my heart sing, holes and all. I've missed that.
7 comments:
So true, and so bitersweet isn't it?
I don't know what to say. Thinking of you and wishing the gaping hole wasn't there.
You're right, some holes fill and some stay empty. I'm glad Eden filled some of that.
My new daughter does not fill the hole left by my son, but she fills my arms and has taken her own place in my heart. While her arrival has not ended grief or pain, I find it has been healing in some ways. And she makes me see my son in new ways as I can't help but compare them sometimes.
I am glad that Eden is giving you so much happiness. Wishing the holes could be filled, but I guess thats not how this works.
I just found your blog on babyloss directory. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I don’t feel so alone to find others who are also dealing with the loss of children.
peace- emily
steppingstonesblog.blogspot.com
That story is a perfect metaphor...
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